10 Things: Harry Potter Style
by a little erratic
Summary: Series of lists of 10 Things. Such as 10 Things you Shouldn't Say to Voldemort, 10 things that would instantly let people know that you read waaay too much Harry Potter, 10 Devastatingly Overused Plotlines, and more!
1. Poor, poor Voldie

**10 Things You Shouldn't Say to Voldemort**

#1. Hey Tommy! Haven't you ever heard of a TANNING BED? It's this great new invention that makes it look like you aren't made of paper!

#2. You're going to kill me?! Wait! I challenge you to . . . a DANCE-OFF!

#3. I bet Chuck Norris could kick your $!

#4. Guess what? OMG, you will NEVER, EVER believe this, EVER!! Ok, ok, here it goes . . . YOU. ARE. FICTIONAL!

#5. Voldie, I realize that you had a very troubled childhood. Your mother was a manipulative shrew, and your father was never really there for you, but never fear. I think I know the perfect way to make it all better. Now, come here and give me a HUG!

#6. Have you tried yoga? It really helps with all your stress issues.

#7. I really think you should consider a hair-restoration treatment, **Bald**emort.

#8. Yo mama is so fat, a regular broom wouldn't carry her. She had to ride a Swiffer!

#9. You know, if you had a girlfriend, maybe you wouldn't be so bent on complete world domination.

#10. Don't take this the wrong way or anything . . . but you scare little children.

**Why You Shouldn't Say those 10 Things to Voldemort:**

Two simple words: Avada Kedavra.

**A/N: **Just so you know . . . I'm all hopped up on Mountain Dew.


	2. Ossesed, much?

**10 Things that would Instantly Let People Know that You Read Harry Potter WAY TOO MUCH**

1. You tell your friend to stop being such a Crumple-Horned Snorkack and they ask you what drugs you're on.

2. When someone hasn't read the books, you take it as a personal insult and proceed to first yell at them for being so retarded as to never have opened one of the Harry Potter books, then banish them from your sight.

3. If someone ticks you off, you point an imaginary wand at them and yell, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

4. July 21, 2007 was the best **and** worst day of your life because you got to find out what happened, but the meaning for your life was basically over.

5. You have stalked/threatened (or have at least thought about stalking/threatening) Jo Rowling until she agrees to continue the series somehow.

6. You've memorized all of the Potter Puppet Pals.

7. You've read all of the books multiple times and still don't get sick of them, though your friends get sick of you not getting sick of them.

8. You needed to transfer your addiction when the series was over, so you turned to one of the following: drugs, alcohol, FanFiction, compulsive swallowing, Halo 3, the comfort of eating until you throw up, Twilight...

9. You've dissected every single sentence to find some kind of hidden meaning that exists only in your mind.

10. You can compare all of these to experiences that you've had in the past 24 hours.

A/N: I know I said I wouldn't be updating anytime soon, but I just had to do it . . . and this time . . . **I wasn't even jacked up on mountain dew.** GAH!


	3. Death to Cliches!

**10 Devastatingly Unoriginal Plotlines**

_The following entries of the list are in the format of example summaries that don't actually exist. They are simply product of the authoress's overactive imaginings. _

1. Harry Potter wasn't raised by the Dursley's, even though it says so in all seven books! Instead, he was raised by Mike and Ike, a gay couple from the suburbs in Connecticut! How will Harry's dads react when they find out that their baby boy is a wizard?

2. Harry Potter wasn't the Potters' only child, even though it says so in all seven books! Instead, he has a twin sister named LaFrisha and she falls in love with Ron! Whoops, there goes the ending.

3. Voldemort and Bellatrix had a daughter named Mary Sue even though she is never mentioned in any of the seven books! Mary Sue is, of course, beautiful, falls in love with Harry, is Head Girl, has a big chest, and at least **tries** to be rebellious against her parents' beliefs when she's not out partying! Awww...

4. Hermione and Draco are Head Boy and Girl (gasp). They have to be Potions partners and share a suite and Hermione has to tutor Draco in every subject! They basically have to choice but to fall in love even though they absolutely hate each other!

5. Wait a minute, Mary Sue isn't Voldie's daughter! She's DUMBLEDORE'S GRANDDAUGHTER! And now, she's randomly just starting school as a seventh year! She falls in love with Harry and at the end they kill Voldemort together! YAY!

6. Hermione is all, like, in love with Ron and stuff. But then Harry Potter randomly is just like, "Yo, 'Mione, date me behind Ron's back, k?" And Mione is all like, "K, sweet." So then they like, date behind Ron's back . . . and then he like finds out and stuff . . . but at the end it turns out good because Ron gets conveniently run over by a bus in chapter two!

7. Hermione is a bushy-haired skank, but one day she gets a make-over by none other than MARY SUE HERSELF! Then Hermione is transformed into a Mini-Mary Sue! She starts to hate books, talks completely in chatspeak, flirt with Neville, listen to an iPod instead of do her homework, and eventually ends up going out with Harry/Snape/Ron/Draco/Remus/Sirius/Dumbledore/Flitwick/George's Ear/Harry's mom/Bellatrix/All the Weasley children/Rita Skeeter/Dobby/Neville/Fred's corpse/Fleur! And they all live happily ever after!

8. Hang on a second, Mary Sue is actually SIRIUS'S daughter! He never even knew about her until she was old enough to fall in love with Harry which is, of course, does the first time she meets him! How will Ginny handle it?!? Good news! Ginny gets run over by a bus in chapter two!

9. (Insert HP character here) has a diary! They write stupid little OOC ramblings in said diary, most of which are about how much they hate (insert all other HP characters names here). Example: Hermione's diary excerpt, "OMFG, Ginnie Weazley is such a ho! I don't c how Harry cud lyke her. she is a GINGER! WTF? Harry shud lyke, ttly go out wit mee! im so sexii! L0Lz. Cya 2morrow!

10. Remus and Sirius were straight their entire childhoods. What happens when they grow up, Remus gets a new girlfriend named (surprise, surprise) MARY SUE, and THEN Sirius and Remus realize that they're gay? They try for a secret romance, but in the end, Remus kidnaps Harry for no apparent reason, and moves with Sirius to the suburbs of Connecticut where they assume the false identities of Mike and Ike and begin to raise him as their own. (Please return to #1 as the vicious cycle continues).


	4. Magic really rocks, G!

**A/N:** **Sorry, I hate to get your update-hopes up, but I just wanted to say that I have a new poll up on what list I should do next!! I need some votes, guys! Poll closes Wednesday at 5. **Yay! I remembered that I'm supposed to be writing lists! Ok, Twilight fans (HP fans, please proceed to the list below, thank you for your cooperation), I'm thinking about doing a Twilight version of 10 Things. What I need . . . IDEAS! So far, I have 10 Thing the Volturi Do in Their Spare Time, 10 Things Emmett can NEVER DO AGAIN, and 10 Nicknames Alice Doesn't Appreciate. I NEED MORE!! You will get credited if I like and use your idea. If not, thanks anyway! RIDICULOUSLY LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE!

**10 OOC Characters That I Find Mildly Hilarious**

_the following are interviews conducted with the OOCs_

_1. __**Angst-Filled Harry**__- _

**Me**: Harry, you've recently defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort. Tell us about that.

**AFH**: A lot of the people I loved died. My life has become meaningless because there's no more Dark wizards to hunt down and kill. I can't hold a girlfriend, and my hormones are all acting up.

**Me**: Wow, that's really . . . pubescent. What's this about not being able to hold a girlfriend? What happened to Ginny?

**AFH: **She left me because she said I was too angsty for her. (Starts to sob uncontrollably).

**Me: **Uh, wow. You? Angsty? I never would have guessed . . .

_**2. Whore-mione**_

**Me: **So, Hermione, something's different about you . . .

**Mione:** I got a make-over. That's when someone makes you beautiful so you can finally date Ron, Harry, Malfoy, Neville, Snape, AND Dumbledore at the same time without any of them caring! You should try it sometime . . . you're looking a little . . . ugly.

**Me: **Gee, thanks WHORE-mione.

**Mione: **You wanna go, Mugglebutt?

**Me:** BRING IT!

(After a brief and painful scuffle with Hermione)

_**3. Emo Draco:**_

**Me: **Draco, what's it like to be on the good side of things now?

**ED: **What is the difference between good and evil? Who decrees what is good and what is evil? I know not.

**Me: **Er, ok . . . what's with the black hair/clothes and scarred wrists?

**ED: **I can not forget my past misdeeds. They haunt me to this day . . . reminding me of my former life. Horrors! I wear black as a symbol of mourning!

**Me: **That still doesn't explain the scars . . .

**ED: **I CUT MYSELF TO FEEL ALIVE!

**Me: **I'm gonna go have nightmares. You need professional help.

(Several nightmares later...)

_**4. Fattie Ron**_

**Me: **Ron . . . you've changed a lot. Where were you hiding those extra two-hundred pounds?

**Ron: **Do you have any roast beef? (MISTRESS OF CRAZINESS!)

**Me: **Er, no? How's life been for you, Ron?

**Ron: **I really want some biscuits. Or some cupcakes. Do you have any cupcakes?

**Me: **I don't have any food! I'm just trying to interview you for the enjoyment of the readers!

**Ron: **You don't have any food? Not even a cupcake?

**Me: **No, no food.

**Ron: **Well, that's unfortunate. I suppose I'll have to eat you.

**Me: **Noooooooo!!!

(After cutting myself out of Ron's stomach using Emo Draco's handy-dandy Emo-tastic razor blade because he was, oddly enough, also eaten by Ron at some point...)

_**5. **__**Neville the Idiot**_

**Me: **Neville, you assisted a lot with the killing of Voldemort. Tell me, how did you do it?

**NI: **I dunno . . . I taked the sharp thingie . . . and then I cutted off the snake's head and it bleeded on me. It was real hard to get out of my clothes.

**Me: **Oh . . . oh, I see. Um, how did that feel?

**NI: **Well my grandmother was mad cause those was my only clothes that I had left after the war . . . so I guess I was sad.

**Me: **Neville, what's your current IQ?

**NI: **Last time I checkeded it was almost seven.

**Me: **Just go home, Neville. Just go home.

_**6. Luna on Drugs**_

**Me: **Luna, you seem pretty wound up today.

**LOD: **Do I? Really? I'm gonna go find a Blibbety Boingapop!

**Me: **Can it wait? I'm kinda trying to interview you.

**LOD: **You seem uptight! (tee-hee!) Do you want some of these magic mushrooms?

**Me: **Loony - I mean - LUNA, those aren't magic mushrooms! They're just illegal mushrooms! Don't let anyone seem them!

**LOD: **Relax, man . . . now let's go find that Blibbety Boingapop!

(After one long and fruitless search for a Blibbety Boingapop)

_**7. Gay Remus/Sirius**_

**Me: **Ugh, guys, it's been a really long day, so Remus-

**R: **Please, call me Mike.

**S: **And I am Ike!

**Me: **Of course you are. Now, how did you end up in this little suburb in Connecticut?

**Er, Mike?: **Oh, it's the CUTEST story! Remember, Ikey-poo?

**Ike: **I sure do! I think it was fall-

**Mike: **No, no, no, it was spring!

**Ike: **That's right! It was spring, and Mikey was working at Honeyduke's-

**Mike: **Was it Honeyduke's? I really thought that it was Fourish and Blotts-

**Ike: **No, no, honey, it was Honeyduke's, anyway-

**Me: **I'm just gonna go.

_**(After one failed suicide attempt and several large painkillers**_)

**8. Senile Dumbledore**

**Me: **Does that honestly say 'Senile Dumbledore'? SENILE DUMBLEDORE? HAVEN'T I BEEN PUT THROUGH ENOUGH TODAY? WHERE DOES THE INJUSTICE END?

**SD: **Um, hello, I'm Albus. Are you quite all right?

**Me: **B-b-b-b-b-but you aren't senile!

**Just regular Dumbledore: **Actually, Senile Dumbledore is on vacation somewhere on Mars. I told him that I would fill in for him at his interview this afternoon. Is that ok?

**Me: **(relieved sigh) Dumbledore, that is BEYOND ok. It's fantas-

**SENILE DUMBLEDORE: **I'M BACK FROM MARS! AND IT'S _NAKED TIME_!!

**JRD: **Senile! Put your pants on! You're embarrassing me!

(After putting SD's pants back on and letting the nurses give him his 'nappy time' shot)

_**9. Pervert Sirius**_

**Me: **So, Sirius, you have toed the line between 'player' and 'pervert' in every Marauder fic that has ever been written. Why did you choose to cross it now?

**PS: **I dunno, some 12-year-old boy got his hands on a computer, and now I'm obsessed with boobs and say 'That's what SHE said!' on every occasion possible. Isn't it great?

**Me: **Actually, it's really childish and ridiculous and I don't enjoy it at all.

**PS: **That's what SHE said!

**Me: **You're an idiot.

**PS: **That's what SHE said!

**Me: **I'm sure she did.

_**10. Stereotypical black guy Dean**_

**Me: **So, Dean, I've never seen you stereotyped as an African-British wizard before. Why are you on this list?

**SBGD: **It's yo list, ho!

**Me: **Right you are, right you are. Can you think of any other reasons?

**SBGD: **Well, yous gettin' to da end of da story, G, so I be thinkin' dat you runnin' outta ideas, coo? Now, listen to dis rhyme!

_I be rollin with da Harry_

_Da ghetto can get scary_

_But I got meh wand, wand, wand_

_Yeah, I got meh wand, wand, wand,_

_We be checkin out da witches_

_Man, Ron Weasley is a b!tch, jizz_

_I jinx him wit meh wand, wand, wand, _

_Yeah, he's dead cuz of meh wand, wand, wand_

_Magic really rocks, G_

_Hermione's super foxy-_

(After one long and confusing magic rap)

I have come to the difficult conclusion that very few of these cliches are widespread, but all are equally annoying. Let's see how our participants have fared since the interview.

_1. Angsty Harry is currently in lots and lots of therapy and just discovered ProActive, which has greatly helped his youthful acne._

_2. Ho-mione is currently in the hospital because she was attacked by the girlfriends of all of her . . . 'guys on the side'._

_3. Emo-Draco has attempted suicide four times, but still isn't serious enough to go through with it._

_4. Fatty Ron called Jenny Craig and has lost almost four pounds in the three months since the interview. Way to go._

_5. Neville the Idiot passed second grade last week. His grandmother is ecstatic._

_6. Luna on Drugs is in rehab . . . she is having trouble abstaining from all twenty-seven substances that she was found to be addicted to._

_7. Mike and Ike are still in their suburb. That's all I'm saying about THAT._

_8. Senile Dumbledore ran into a wall and died of joy. I didn't know that could happen, but that's what the Healers said._

_9. Pervert Sirius has been sentenced to sensitivity training twice a week . . . unfortunately the training is run by 12-year-old boys. His future is not bright._

_10. Finally, Dean. He is currently the Rap Rookie of Britain. The rhyme that he 'spun' for us above is now his #1 single._


	5. Lime Green Tuxedos and other dreams

**10 Things Dumbledore Wanted to do Before He Died**

_Alright, I'm now putting the lists from 10 to 1, as someone (don't remember who, but thanks!) suggested. _**YAY!**

10._Have school-wide Naked Time! _He attempted this one the year before he died, but the school board overruled him and said it was 'inappropriate'. Pish-posh! What do they know anyway??

9. _Change up the dress code a little bit!_ Come on . . . black robes?? How about lime green tuxedos (for boys) and dresses (for girls), rainbow leg-warmers and furry hot pink boots! And BOOKBAGS? Ew. Coach purses? YES. Dumbledore never attempted this one . . . mostly because he thought it would let people know that he was gay . . . and he wasn't quite ready to come out of the closet.

8. _Start the wave at a Quidditch match_. (He tried this every game . . . it never really caught on, but he gets an E for Effort).

7. _Invite Voldemort out for coffee and girl talk. You know, just to see if he'd open up and let some of that inner rage go. _Also, try to convince him that yoga isn't a bad option. (Uh . . . Voldemort never responded. Dumbledore was devastated, so he invited Harry out for coffee and girl talk. Harry then stabbed himself in the leg and said that he couldn't come because he probably needed stitches and a tetanus shot.)

6. _Install an in-school tanning salon._ He noticed that some of the kids were looking a bit palish. Unfortunately, Madame Pomfrey tattled to the school board and that plan was vetoed. Something about 'melanoma'. (Stupid, dream-crushing school board).

5. _Try online dating._ What's the worst that could happen? Actually . . . Dumbledore did try this one. He met a great guy named Enrique on He looked great in the pictures and everything, but when he came to visit, he was fat and Bulgarian (not Spanish), his actual name is Mike (not Enrique), and he admitted to airbrushing the pictures on his online profile 'a little' (A LOT!). That was the end of that little phase of Dumbledore's life. He decided to be content as a single gay teacher/wizard.

4. _Go out partying with Hagrid_. Umm . . . no one actually remembers what happened when that occurred. The next morning, Dumbledore was found in a tent underneath the Eiffel Tower surrounded by some security elves wearing the rejected school uniforms as seen in #9. Hagrid just disappeared and didn't show up for six days. . . when he came back he refused to talk about what had happened. Needless to say, Dumbledore's partying days are over. Hagrid . . .not so much.

3. _Gain 100 pounds and pretend to be Santa. _Well, when a gay man dresses up in a tight red suit and has kids sit on his lap . . . parents call the cops. Which is exactly what happened. Luckily, Dumbledore has some friends on the police force who helped him out with this one.

2. _Go on a diet to lose the 100 pounds from #3. _Dumbledore tried Atkins, Slimfast, Aerobics, yoga, Nutrisystem, Zone, Jenny Craig, Dr. Phil's Diet Books, Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicking Weight Loss Program, and liposuction.

1. _Tell the world how he REALLY died. _Ok, ok, ok. I know that J.K. Rowling says that Snape killed him . . . but really, he just died from anorexia, still trying to lose the weight from #3. How unfortunate. (**NOTE**: The authoress does not in any way support dangerous diet programs or eating disorders. She believes that all women, girls, boys, men, and wizards are beautiful in their own skin. If you or a friend has or might have an eating disorder, please visit www. mirror - mirror . org / eatdis . htm (remove spaces)

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**A/N: **Ok, ok, ok. I have a new poll up! Tell me what YOU want my next list to be. Closes on Wednesday around 4 pm. I'll have the next list on Thursday or Friday!! I know that this wasn't the funniest one I've written, but I was bored and thought 'Hey, what the heck why not?' So I wrote it. Haha. Reviews always appreciated! 


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